I have a new hobby, collecting spam bot comments. Yes, I’m mystified too.

Bear in mind that spam bots attack blogs because they want their comment published with its embedded link that will help the spammer promote his product. Since spam is scattered as widely as possible, spam comments are as general as possible and typically lack references to the actual content of the blog entry. But that doesn’t mean they don’t get creative in their endeavors to entice you the blogger to publish their comment, and it’s the extremes they’ll go to that I find so appealing, even amusing.

Here, I’ll show you:

Someone actually went to the trouble of learning a computer language, programming a spam bot, paying for the servers and other infrastructure necessary to spread its message across the internet, learning administrative and network protocols. What they did not do, obviously, is bother to learn coherent English.

Ask yourself what kind of person seriously expects a human audience to read past even the first sentence of this:

I was going to obscure the links in these images, but I don’t think that’s really necessary here, the author has done more than enough obscuring on his own to ensure that nobody in his right mind is going to click on his links:

I would feel complimented by this one, but I bet he says this to all the (ten billion or so) bloggers he spams:

(On the other hand, I’m not sure where he’s going at the end!)

Some of the spam bot programmers have concluded that being positive is what catches them, so they try to simulate a realistic comment by inserting criticism:

Rife? Mye misspeling ins’t rief!

Okay, this one I am going to block out the link, but please note, this is from a website purporting to be about ‘smoking while pregnant’ and is all but accusing me of plagiarism for photographing my own cluttered work table in my own cluttered apartment:

This one has me almost wondering if it is spam:

— Yes, and I’ll have my followers contact your followers, and hey, maybe they can have lunch together.

Now this guy thinks he’s a comedian:

This guy takes a new tack, which instead of offering to be helpful, preys on the natural human tendency to be helpful:

(Presumably, your reward for ‘helping’ him will be even more spam. Joy!)

Once again, accusations of plagiarism are sure to rile up the blogger and elicit publication with an angry retort — NOT:

Now, haven’t we all heard of Jamorama?:

Sadly, tragically, my favorite spam post got deleted from overflow. It began with, “Not your best post, unfortunately,” and concluded with, “Perhaps you should try some Norwegian carrot cake!” And since I lost the comment, I may never have the opportunity to partake of the wily Norwegian carrot in its pastry form.

But at least I still have my second-place favorite comment:

What does this even mean? Probably it’s one of those obscene acronyms that the kids are into these days. But since it doesn’t show up on The Google, I’ll just leave it as it lays, and walk away.

I find ‘spambotiana’ to be entertaining, yet at the same time it is almost saddening to think of the countless dollars and work-hours expended all to be flushed away by my clicking of the ‘Delete Permanently’ command. Which I have just done — in anticipation of more entertainment to be sent my way in the days ahead by the seeming legions of spammers out there who are too clever by half to ever make an honest living.